Dreams vs. Reality

I don’t think we do a very good job at teaching our kids how to deal with reality. We teach them that they are good people, deserving of the best, and that there is nothing they can’t do if they try hard enough.

But, somewhere in there I think we forgot to throw in a few reality lessons. It’s great to be a good person and think that you deserve a brand new $45,000 Lexus. But, if reality says that all you can realistically afford is a very used VW Bug, there is nothing wrong with settling for the reality version and putting off the Lexus.

My daughter is getting married. I love her dearly, and although I did not get to participate a lot in her day-to-day raising, I think she is a fine young woman and deserving of the best of anything she wants.

However, the reality is that I can’t afford any girl’s dream wedding. No Father can, or should have too. I know I am a male, and therefore possibly completely incapable of understanding what girls want, but I see men who strip their bank accounts and go eyeball deep in debt to provide things for their children rather than settle for reality.

I told my daughter I was willing to donate a certain amount towards her nuptials, but between her and her mother, was made to feel quite a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge. I coughed up a bit more than I was actually comfortable doing, and my partner coughed up a bit, even though he shouldn’t have, and even after that, I’m now informed I have to pay for the rental on my Tuxedo, and yes, I’m expected to wear one and yes I have to wear shoes that are going to be a half-size too small.

This doesn’t even count the $800 in $400 in hotel and $250 in rental car to get there and back.

When I expressed dismay, and asked where all the money had gone, I got the ice-water bath treatment – you know how women/spouses can be — they don’t actually have to say anything in particular, but that certain tone creeps in and you suddenly realize you strayed into an area you’d really rather not explore and suddenly realize you have urgent matters to attend to in the basement, or shed, or anywhere but here.

I see nothing wrong with a young couple, who are not wealthy, and whose parents are not wealthy, having a wedding in the back yard, with a huge picnic to follow. It costs little, gets the job done, and no one ends up head-over-heels in debt or with a large gaping hole in their retirement fund, and everyone has a grand time. It’s reality.

How on earth did we get to a place where young people think that have to have a $50,000 wedding with fancy dresses and gowns and catered food and music til dawn? Why do we continue to support this nonsense? It doesn’t make the marriage any sounder, and truthfully, the party is forgotten by most who were there in a few years anyway.

Truthfully, since some 55% of all weddings end in divorce, why not face up to reality and do away with all the fancy stuff to start with? I’m not being heartless, I’m being realistic. This goes for more than just weddings.

I see young couples buying homes they can’t afford, cars they can’t afford, borrowing money to go on vacations and putting their children into private schooling on borrowed money.

Americans in particular seem to have no problem going into debt to buy “stuff”, all based on “I deserve it.” It is actually one of the root causes of our current economic crisis. Lenders can’t lend money to people who are smart enough to realize they can’t really afford to pay it back.

I rented one of my rental units to a young man of 25 awhile back, his credit check came back showing he was almost $100,000 deep in college loans. In today’s job market, what 25-year-old can afford payments on that kind of debt?

I dream of ocean front property, with toned young pool boys doing my every bidding, while my chauffeur is polishing the Bentley in the drive out front. Reality is that I get a decent condo, 5 miles from the beach, and the pool boy is a service that comes a couple of times a week, and I drive the same old pick-up truck to the grocery store.

Reality is a young couple just starting life renting a home in the most decent neighborhood they can reasonably afford, and saving their money until they can afford to move up a notch. Reality is that instead of blowing thousands of dollars on a party that lasts a few hours, you notch down your expectations to something you can afford with the means you have at hand.

I guess I’m frustrated with my daughters refusal to see the reality, while at the same time not wanting to make her feel badly, and still wanting her to have the best. It’s a classic case where dreams exceed the capability of reality, and to make everyone happy, you just write a check and stay quiet.

Until I was in my late 40’s, I didn’t have a pot to pee in that wasn’t in hock to someone else for more than I could pay. Thankfully, I started making wiser decisions about where I spent money, I finally started earning a bit more, and then between an unexpected bit of an inheritance on my Mothers death, and some stock options from work finally coming out from under water, I was able to pay off all my debt. I haven’t looked back, and I don’t buy a single thing now that I can’t pay cash for, except the mortgage on the house. I’ve learned my lessons.

I know that the best learned lessons are the ones you learn yourself, the hard way. As much as I love my kids, I hope they don’t have as many hard ones as I did, but I know they really won’t learn much from me yammering at them either.

The last thing in the world any father wants is to make their daughter unhappy or sad. The next to the last thing any father wants is to go broke paying for a wedding.